Bass player Mike Gordon’s slightly askew wit makes for a writing style that simultaneously makes you scratch your head and chuckle. Enjoy these vignettes Gordon published on his newly redesigned website, below. On a slightly tangential note, why is scratching your head the universal sign for confusion?
“For You And Your Friends To Act Out” by Mike Gordon
a) In a restaurant, person N stands up and yells, “These brussels sprouts are so fuckin’ tender,” and person Y (maybe you) stands up and yells abrasively loud, “I’m so glad someone is willing to voice a positive opinion.”
b) This is mean. Person N sideswipes person Y’s car, passing from opposite directions. Both people (safely!) are slowing their cars so that by the time of the scrape, or right after, they’re able to gracefully ease their doors open, grabbing huge bags of ketchup they’ve brought along, and smear themselves with ketchup while easing out the doors and lying down on the pavement between the stopped cars. If anyone comes up, Person Y says, “Please check the trunk of my car,” and when Unsuspecting checks that trunk, there is a third person lying in pools of ketchup.
c) Person N has a plant sprayer of lavender mist and sprays at Unsuspecting at a gymnasium. Unsuspecting, perhaps working out, begs a little mercy, and Person N says, “Oh, come on, at least I’m not spraying vinegar on you.” Unsuspecting might ask who the hell would spray vinegar, and Person N says, “Dunno,” and sprays vinegar from another hidden bottle (rear belt loops work great for hooking!).
d) People N and Y act out an old Men At Work video.
e) Person N goes to the library and grabs a book to check out. Person Y jumps behind the counter pretending to be the librarian and says, “You’re gonna need a card.” Person N says, “if this were a Portlandia episode it would be very funny.” Person Y says, “It isn’t”
f) Person N keeps ramming into people, accidentally, saying “I’ll get it,” and that can apply to Unsuspecting taking out a tissue or reaching for a doorknob. You get the gist. Person Y is always on hand as an innocent bystander who says, “You don’t see that kind of chivalry anymore.”
g) Person N goes up to Unsuspecting in a mall and says, “Did you go to Mettlemont High?”. Person Y is walking by and says, “I just googled that and it’s fake.”
h) Person N walks up to groups of six on a sidewalk, saying, “Can you step to the right? This is part of my reality show. See – there’s our videographer, Seth.” Person Y is holding up a fake video camera, peering into it down yonder. Person N says, “No, not him; that’s just someone doing air video, my real video guy must have ducked into a shop for some chew.”
i) This is great for an art fair. Person N has a bag of lightbulbs, and every once in a while that same Person puts one on the table and smashes it with a hammer. Person Y walks by and says, “You just made me cry. I love that kind of art.”
j) Person N stands somewhere like baggage claim coughing loud into the air without covering his mouth – not with an arm, not with a hand – for at least two minutes. Person Y stands up and says really loud, “Excuse me people! That yucky outburst unsterilizes terribly your otherwise uncontaminated, reusable, pollution free oxygen – contamination kills every time, singlehandedly.” And then Person N yells loudly, “Excuse me people! Do not listen to that other person! He is an insurgent and uses subliminal coercion, hiding messages in the first letters of words he’s hollerin’”